EIGHTEEN
We broke up…Peyton and I. We broke up that night she caught me with Brooke’s letters. We had a long talk that night…about everything. And I think it had been the first time either of us had been honest not only with each other, but with ourselves as well.
“We need to talk, Luke,” Peyton said after I had told her about Brooke’s letter.
I had nodded and looked down at the letter again as I said, “Yeah…I think that’s probably a good idea.”
“Things have been really off with us, Luke,” Peyton continued. “Actually, I think us has been off for awhile, but neither one of us wanted to admit it.”
“I think you’re right,” I said as I nodded again. “I wish I understood why though.”
“Because you’re afraid of your feelings,” Peyton said and I looked up at her again.
She stared back at me and said, “You were afraid to tell me how you really feel, afraid to tell me that you don’t love me anymore…that you never really loved me.”
“But I did—I do love you, Peyton,” I said as I took her hand. “I do love you.”
She squeezed my hand a little and continued, “I know. But you’re not in love with me. You never have been. It’s Brooke. She’s the one for you, Lucas, not me.”
Peyton shifted next to me on the couch before she explained. “You have made it so obvious that you still love her. Your expression changes at the mention of her name, and you get the same look in your eyes whenever you see a picture of her, or hear her name. And I know how much you are hurting right now, having not seen her or spoken to her in seven months.”
She stopped then and looked down at my lap. She reached over me and pulled my letter for Brooke out from under the pillow where I had tried to hide it.
“It’s pretty clear how much you miss her, Luke,” Peyton said again as she held the paper up for me.
“Don’t worry…I didn’t read it. But I, um…I heard you talking about it with Haley.”
“You did?”
She nodded and handed the folded paper back to me. “Yeah…I wasn’t eavesdropping or anything. I just happened to overhear on my way to the bathroom.
I looked down at the letters in my hand and I tried to explain my actions. “I’m really sorry I didn’t tell you, Peyton, about either letter. With Brooke’s letter, I didn’t tell you out of respect for her. But with my letter…I don’t know. I guess I just didn’t know how you would feel about me writing to her, and I didn’t want to hurt you.”
Peyton nodded again. “I understand.”
I looked at her confused. She understood? She really wasn’t angry?
“I guess you and I not only love each other enough to want to spare each other from hurting, but we also share the same secrets.”
I had still been confused as she turned away, reached into her bag and pulled out a thick stack of folded computer paper.
“What’s this?” I asked as I took the stack from her.
“Emails,” she said, taking a short pause for she added, “From Jake.”
I looked up at her while she explained the emails.
“The first email came about six months ago,” Peyton started, pulling her feet up on the couch and wrapping her arms around her knees. “He wrote me to see how I was doing and to make sure I was happy. I hadn’t expected to get that email from him, so it kind of took me by surprise. I hadn’t spoken to him or seen him in months, and I realized how much I missed him and Jenny. So I sent him an email back. And we agreed to be friends again.”
“But that’s not how you feel about him anymore, is it?” I asked, already knowing what her answer would be.
She had tears in her eyes again when she answered. “I still love him, Lucas,” she said softly. “The more emails we wrote to each other, the more I started to remember how much I loved him. And I realized that I had never stopped loving him. I had only pushed away what I felt for him because I was scared.
“When I went to see him in Savannah shortly before graduation, I knew I would always care for him and I knew that I would probably always love him. But then he made me realize that there was at least still a part of me that was in love with you. And I knew he was right…I knew I did still love you. But…I think I felt it was safe to love you.”
“You have always been there for me, Lucas, and that’s why I love you so much. You were the only one who ever stuck around for me. You know my dad was and is always traveling for work. Nathan was never there…Haley left on tour…Brooke left whenever she met a guy, or she and I had a fight. And Jake…well, he left to save Jenny both times he left, which I understand, but…I just needed someone then who would be there for me, and I knew that you would be.”
“But even though he left me, Jake was still an important part of my life, which is why it had so hard for me back in Savannah to choose you over him. But I did because I was scared. I was so afraid that if I kept loving him, he would leave me again and I would be alone for the rest of my life. And I didn’t want that. So when I got that first email from him, it sort of acted as proof to me that he wasn’t going to leave me again. In fact, he was coming back to me again.”
I looked away from Peyton for a moment realizing that the relationship she and I had had for the past eight months had pretty much been a lie. That disappointed me, but at the same time…I was relived and happy that we were both finally being honest with each other and our feelings.
“I gave my heart to him, Lucas,” Peyton continued and I looked back at her.” I gave my heart to Jake a long time ago, just like you gave yours to Brooke. And I don’t think either one of us really ever gave either one of them a chance. I think we both were too afraid of what might happen if we did.”
I nodded again, definitely understanding that feeling. It was why I was so afraid to send that letter to Brooke.
“I am so sorry, Luke. I never meant to hurt you like this.”
“No, you didn’t hurt me, Peyton. You’ve actually helped me finally stop hiding from my feelings. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about Brooke since she left. I mean I’ve tried to, I’ve done everything I can think of to stop thinking about her, but…I can’t seem to get her out of my head. I can’t stop missing her, or worrying about her, or…”
“Loving her?”
I looked back, and with my nod, I had finally admitted that I was still in love with Brooke Davis. Peyton nodded too to show her understanding.
“I know how you feel,” she said. “I’ve been trying to do the same thing since I got that first email from Jake. After I sent him the reply email, I decided that the emails were strictly emails between good friends, and that they were just a last goodbye for us, and that I needed to get my mind off of him. But when he sent a second email…I realized I couldn’t, nor did I want to, forget about him. I tried for months to tell you about the emails and about how I still felt about him, but I couldn’t figure out how or when to tell you. I didn’t want to hurt you either.”
I looked away again and I said, “So what happens to us then?”
Peyton paused then. But when she answered, she answered with a smile. “Well, I hope…that we can still be friends?”
I smiled then too.
“Of course we can. We were friends before we were us, so why can’t we be again?”
“Exactly. You’re a great friend, Luke.”
I smiled and looked back the letter in my hand again, wishing that Brooke agreed.
“And I’m sure Brooke feels the same about you,” Peyton said.
“Yeah…sure,” I said and I looked up at her again.
“She does,” Peyton assured. “I know she must. I may not be her friend anymore, but she’s still mine and I still know just about everything about her. And I know that when you and her were together, she looked at you as the greatest friend in the world. Don’t doubt it, Luke. Send her the letter and find out for yourself. And don’t be afraid either. Sometimes you have to take risks for the ones you love. I know I did when I let Jake go. But he came back to me. Who knows…maybe Brooke will come back to you too.”
I faked a smile, unsure if I should give up all my hopes and take her word. But I hugged her anyway and kissed her cheek.
It felt good to have finally been honest with Peyton…and myself, even with the end of my relationship with Peyton. But the end of Peyton and me meant it was seriously time for me to face my feelings for Brooke head on. I was in the free and clear now, free to do whatever I wanted to with my feelings. And I knew that I should tell Brooke, and I wanted to tell her (oh, god did I want to tell her), but I was still terrified.
Brooke had pretty much dropped me from her life. She had left with barely a goodbye and hadn’t spoken one word to me, or visited me in seven months. And she had moved on to someone else. That all pretty much told me she had wanted absolutely nothing to do with me anymore.
So how could I tell her? How could I tell Brooke I was still in love with her when she didn’t even want to speak to me? Or, a more guilt stricken question, how could I tell her I loved her still after how badly I had hurt her…twice? Would she even believe me? And if, on the off chance, she did believe me, she probably wouldn’t have anything to say back. I had blown my second chance with her. I could never ask for a third. She would never take me back again. And did I even have a right to ask her to? No, I decided. I lost that right when I lost Brooke. I gave up any and every right to Brooke’s heart when I let her go.
I let her go…I let her walk away. Now that I had been honest with my feelings, I had to deal with the realization that Brooke would have still been mine if I hadn’t let her go. If I had just fought harder for her instead of walking away, maybe she would still be with me, maybe she would still love me. But it was too late. Brooke was gone…and so was any third chance for Brooke and I.