Sitting in his car in front of her house, Lucas looked down at the shoebox in his lap. He could attribute everything that’s happened tonight to this one simple shoebox. Well, the shoebox itself was simple, but its contents…now that was much more complicated. It was what the shoebox contained that had made him question his feelings for her, for both of them actually. When he had come across the old shoebox earlier in the week, he had forced himself to search deep within his heart for what he really wanted.
He was helping his mother start work on the nursery for the baby, who would be arriving in only six months. Since his bedroom was the only one besides his mothers downstairs, Lucas was moving his things to the attic bedroom. He was cleaning out the closet when he found it…the ugly brown shoebox sitting in the corner.
How he had forgotten about the shoebox, he didn’t know. Maybe it was because of all the stress he’d been through this year. His heart condition…losing Keith…Haley’s accident….his heart attack…Brooke, and then Peyton. But they are what should’ve made him remember the shoebox anyway.
Lucas turns on the radio, hoping that whatever song is playing will answer all his questions for him. Strangely enough, the song playing was an old one, called Shoebox by the Barenaked Ladies.
A key in the door, a step on the floor
A note on the table and a meal in the micro
Note says I’m in bed, please make sure that you’re fed
If you’re taking a shower, you can borrow my bathrobe
When I’m asleep I dream you move in next week
I crumble the note and save it to put inside…
It’s a strange song, Lucas thought. But even still, it’s a song that explains exactly how he’s feeling right now.
My shoe box
Shoe box of lies
Shoebox
Shoebox of lies
Slowly, he removes the lid from the box like he had when he’d found it again in the closet last week.
It’s under my bed, it’s never been read
It’s in with my school stuff and my mom never cleans there
From my first little fib, when I still wore a bib
To my latest attempt at pretending I’m someone
Who’s not seventeen, doesn’t know what you mean
When talk turns to single malts, or stilton, or…
He sifts through the box again, looking at everything, at every memory of them.
My shoebox
Shoebox of lies
Shoebox
Shoebox of lies
Everything it held was another memory of him and Peyton. From the pictures of them together, to the letters she wrote him, to samples of her artwork…there were so many memories. And it all made him so confused.
Did somebody tell you?
This is how it’s supposed to be?
Or did you just find it
And you don’t want any more from me?
He will never be able to forget the past. He will never forget them, nor would he ever want to. They’d been good for each other, and right for one another too. They had both been lonely and they connected so easily. But there was something missing. There was something deeper within his heart now, something he was still trying to figure out.
My shoebox
Shoebox of lies
Shoebox
Shoebox of lies
And it was that feeling that had him questioning everything, questioning their relationship. He was torn again, only because he knew he loved her. He would always love her…just not in the same way he had convinced himself he did.
Was it something I said or something you read
That’s making me think that I should never have come here
I can offer you lies, I can tell you goodbye
I can tell you I’m sorry , but I can’t tell you the truth, dear
And what if I could-would it do any good?
You’ll still never get to see the contents of…
It was a hard decision, but it was one he’d needed to make. His heart belonged to another.
My shoebox
Shoebox of lies
Shoebox
Shoebox of lies
His heart belonged to the one who’d changed him, the one who’d changed with him, and the one he’d promised to never let go.
He’d kissed her. She was about to leave for the airport, on her way to California for the summer. They’d hugged and as they pulled away, he’d kissed her.
“Tell me that wasn’t a goodbye kiss?” she’d responded in surprise.
He’d stared at her, still so afraid to tell her he truly felt, but also knowing he must or risk losing her forever.
“I want to be with you, Brooke.”
She stepped back from him. “What?”
“I’m sorry. I know we’re friends. It’s just how I feel.”
“But what about Peyton’s stuff?”
The shoebox…he remembered. “I keep that stuff as a reminder of how badly I screwed up things…with you. To remind myself that if I ever get a second chance, I’d never let you go again.”
The taxi honked and interrupted her response. She allowed it to distract her, and she left for the entire summer before they’d had a chance to work things out.But they had worked things out when she returned. They’d been down a tough road, but found happiness in each other again. And they fell in love and lasted much longer than the first time because he truly did love her. But after Keith was killed, things changed.
Not just with him and Brooke, but with all his relationships. He stopped really showing his love to anyone anymore, and that’s what ended things with him and Brooke. He didn’t return the love Brooke so desperately wanted and needed, though in fact he felt it. And he’d let her go…again, forgetting the promise he’d made with that shoebox.
You’re so nineteen-ninety
And it’s nineteen ninety four
Leave this world behind me
Cause you don’t want me anymore
He’d gotten closer with Peyton, though he should’ve been trying harder with Brooke. True, she kept pushing him away, but if he loved her like he’d told her, then she should’ve fought harder, should’ve never given up.
But sitting here now, still holding the shoebox, he realizes he’d been afraid. He’d been afraid to love her in fear of losing her. His heart was so fragile then, so broken, even more when she broke things off. He hadn’t felt much like fighting with a broken heart, which is why he’d let himself get closer to Peyton and let himself believe that he loved her.
It’s not that he didn’t love her, because he did. But he was more in love with their friendship. It was so strong and real. He cared about her so deeply and he would never want anything to happen to her, never want to hurt her. She’d been so hurt already in her young life and he didn’t want to let her hurt anymore. So he’d been there for her and protected her. But all the while he was with her, somewhere deep down he knew that his heart was still with Brooke.
And he finally realized that when he found the shoebox. When he looked through it and remembered that vow he’d made to himself and to her after she’d found it. The vow he’d made to never let her go if he got her back. And as he had looked through everything in the shoeboxm he’d finally come to understand that feeling deep within his heart.